I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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