she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
