I hope mine doesn't look like that
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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