I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
It's rum buckets o'clock
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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