So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
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