Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
