Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
we're so committed to being not committed
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
