my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
