I need help removing her.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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