Plan B is the new Plan A
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
