i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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