yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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