i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
