I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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