My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
