omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
