so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
