He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
