You kept calling me your small dog last night.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
