Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
