i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
