Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
