I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
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