I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
