I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
