I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
