i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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