I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
