Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
