i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
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