well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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