The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
