rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
