I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
