i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
