There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
