Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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