these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
