wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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