And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I would ride that face into the sunset
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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