so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
