Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
