can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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