I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
