My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
How naked do you want me to be?
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
