dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
