So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
what day is it and did you see me today?
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
