if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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