Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
