i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
