I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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